Songs for Lexi

Songs for Lexi

up since 2am

So much passes thru your mind when your kid wakes you up at 2am and won't go back to sleep.  Alexi has been doing so well with sleeping lately - the QiGong massage calms her down well and the change of season to fall usually helps...

 

But last night was one of those nights - up at 2 - bouncing around, playing her music, - so i went and gave her a melatonin and laid down with her for what i thought would be about 20 minutes for it to start working and help her drift off...  that never happened.  and as i shared her twin bed listening to her scripting away - i had time to think.

 

time to be so pissed off about autism, time to resent the fact that i have no one to help me know how to make her feel better - it's all just guesses, no one to turn to that i can really truly trust to make her life easier, to relieve this churning energy, these un-pruned synapses or WHATEVER this f'ing autism is after all...

 

so trying not to be mad at the world, I instead tried objectively to just observe her and it's so heartbreaking because my daughter can't help herself - she was wired beyond belief - repeating words she learned at 18 months over and over and over -- they say synapses don't prune when you have autism - so the brain holds onto every last thing and every memory is as fresh as the day you made it -- so she's scripting the night away mentioning aides she had at 3 years old like she just saw them yesterday (BTW Chickie - if you're reading this - you made her list - "Chickie - circle time!" )  It's exhausting, frustrating, and just so worrysome - as I watched her get up over and over to do her routine - up on the bookcase, over to the window, stand in the window, talk about the window, and then jump down, back to bed, rinse, repeat....  then another one - spin the globe, point randomly and say "What's that?" and answer with a word, repeat said word, say, "mommom, what's that?  what's THAT?  her pleading with me to repeat her chosen answer-word because getting me to say that word feels good to her somehow...

 

well - let's just say -- a night up with an autistic child prompts a lot of thoughts and frustration... the light of day is so much better - but i skipped coffee and i'm gonna try and grab a nap............ just felt like sharing.  

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