Songs for Lexi

Songs for Lexi

State of Overwhelm

If you are a researcher by nature, like me, you might be in a similar state of overwhelm about taking steps forward with some aspect of your life.  I over research buying a couch, a blender, I over-research kitty flea treatments and summer camps, and over-researching combined with the amount of emails I manage daily, the constant influx of text messages, the Facebook pages I "like" about autism which add to my "feed", the messages left on our house voice mail, on my cell phone, the junk mail that arrives here, the constant robotic phone calls about solar and requested donations... I find that the INFORMATION that swirls in my head is simply overwhelming me lately and I admit to having "Paralysis" due to "Over-analysis."  



Alexi is doing ok, but is still a full-blown scripter, she still flips on her bed and rattles the very foundation of our home and rattles the glasses in our our cabinets with every jump.  She constantly seeks swinging motion and more often than not, she craves swinging on her basement net therapy swing while scripting Elmo and Wonder Pets' scenes. She does ask for us to keep her company while she swings - she asks us for "push me swing mom/daddy" which means she would like us to sit and be near her while she swings and sings.  And man, that gets old.  Almost nothing makes you feel more helpless than sitting next to her while she tries in vain to fix what ails her.  


On a daily basis I do try to get her out of the house in the afternoons after school, because if I didn't, all she would want to do would be to swing, script and sing and use the computer.  We are thrilled that we obtained a bit of outside help through Perform Care and for 2 hours a week, someone else gets to take Alexi to the park after school, while I get to spend some uninterrupted time with Alexi's older sister.  I do find that when Alexi is on an errand with me, it is easier to connect with her, but whatever motivates her body to crave speed, swinging, scripting and repeating, screaming before "using her words" and singing sections of songs over and over, that need is much stronger than her desire for connection to us in the outside world.   And that breaks my heart every day.  I know we have had moments where we have reached that person inside - and that person is sweet and smart and has a great sense of humor - but to lose so many days and moments to this thing called Autism which redirects her inward - so much so that she cannot enjoy our family, or the friends we have over, or the friends we go to visit... well - it breaks my heart and makes me angry...  


The QiGong massage I mentioned in an earlier post is helping less than it had when we first started.  We still massage her nightly, but lately - I'd say the last 2 weeks - it is not making her visibly sleepy during the massage.  And, we look at each other after she's been put to bed, while she is obviously not sleeping, and we say - "well, maybe it's the full moon approaching?  maybe it's the sips of Coke she had earlier?  Maybe it's that 1/4 of a bagel she stole and ate?"  and then we sigh and ignore the sounds until they die down and we know we succeeded in getting her to sleep another night....  


The foot baths are going well, and we still do them weekly.  In fact to date we have spent upwards of $400 on them.  And it is recommended that we upgrade to do 2 weekly plus 2 sessions of hyperbaric oxygen treatments in addition to a round of Diflucan anti-fungal treatment in addition to adding many supplements and diet changes.  So - we engaged a nutritionist to help me feed our family and to make it simpler to food shop and prepare recipes that would work for our whole family.


But now - all I feel is more overwhelm as the suggestions are not simple and I feel paralyzed about moving forward.  I did try to make bone broth from grass fed organic animal bones only gotten sat am 20 minutes away but i don't have a large freezer and maybe i should buy one and where would we put it and i should look on craigslist and how am i gonna make her eat the bone broth with every meal when she hates it and spits it out?  Ok, what else?  Well - i should order un-pasteurized mail-order cream and buy a yogurt maker to make my own yogurt which takes 24 hours and I should replace sugars in her ice cream and ice pops and create a natural probiotic for her but wait a minute -- isn't she supposed to have less casein proteins and not have cow's milk at all not even a tiny bit?  


I find this journey overwhelming because, in a nutshell, the advice you gather, VERY OFTEN, does not jive with other advice you gather. And for an over-researcher like me - I am quite often STUCK and not sure what to do, who to listen to or who to trust. 





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